


If only

by Eden_Faithe



Category: Buzz (Korea Band), Super Junior, 아는 형님 | Knowing Bros | Ask Us Anything
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23965285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eden_Faithe/pseuds/Eden_Faithe
Summary: The only dream of mine that mattered had come true.In this life, I was loved by you.Don't cry.May we meet again in the next life, my love.Where we can love each other freely, with no sorrow nor pain, only happiness.
Relationships: Kim Heechul/Min Kyunghoon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Endless Dreams

He was his star.

He was the only one that made him feel loved. He would always compare himself with a sky, so vast, yet so empty at times. Not until he met him, the guy whom he ended up falling in love with endlessly, Min Kyunghoon. 

“Kyunghoon, will you come see me perform tonight?” Heechul suddenly broke the silence between the two, he raised his head from where it rested in the grass. They were lying beside each other, under the peaceful darkening sky. “Of course I will, I’ve never missed your show” Kyunghoon said and got up on his feet and offered Heechul his hand. 

“It’s getting dark we should head back.” Heechul pointed out as he slowly grabbed on Kyunghoon’s hand. “Heechul hyung.” 

“Yes?” Suddenly Kyunghoon stopped walking and turned towards him, then placed his hands on his arm to slow down their pace, with a worried look on his adorable face. 

“I-I might come late tonight..” 

Heechul nodded, he took his lover’s hand from his arm as they continued their stroll back to the village. “It’s okay. Whether you come or not it’s not important. I’m just glad we meet today.” 

“I’m sorry-” 

“Don’t be.” Heechul cut him off before Kyunghoon started the never-ending apologizes. He gently ruffled the younger one’s hair, lowered his hand to brush a stray piece of hair beside his ear. “Your hair is getting long now. Like me.” Heechul teased, tried to change the subject because he wanted to see Kyunghoon smile again. 

“I can’t go early like before because of-” 

“I know.” He exhaled, once again, cut Kyunghoon off before he could finish. “Your father. You probably miss him dearly, stay with him tonight. I understand.” 

He felt his chest tightened, knowing full well he could put Kyunghoon in trouble if his younger lover sneaked out and got caught again.

Heechul pulled kyunghoon into his arm and felt his lover’s arms wrapped around him, clinging on to him. “I Love you.” Kyunghoon whispered softly, his hands tracing a familiar path over his shoulders as he rested his head on Heechul shoulder. 

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, embracing each other in the middle of the quiet wood.

Eventually, Heechul broke off from the hold when he heard a light sniffling, he brushed the tears that had fallen from Kyunghoon’s eyes with gentle fingers. “Please don’t cry, it pained me so much to see you like this.” He begged, leaning forward to place a long, gentle kiss to Kyunghoon’s forehead.

Heechul is just a street performer in the small town. That is how he earned his living, by dancing, singing, and playing different types of musical instruments. He knew where he belonged, certainly not somewhere near his lover, who is a son of the noble, where his father is one of the King’s courtiers. The first and last time Kyunghoon got caught sneaking out to meet up with him, he was able to slip away, it was a close call. If Kyunghoon’s father did catch a glimpse of his face, it won’t take long for them to find him. The thing they will do to him, he doesn’t want to even imagine it. 

He’d probably be dead. 

Well, the first obvious thing will be that he is just a nobody, a man with no class nor family. He has been struggling to survive in this world on his own since the age of eight, he was a mendicant, stealing food from merchants when things got rough with not enough coins for anything, he was starving. Luckily, once he got older, due to his good looks, he was able to make money by performing all kinds of shows, entertaining the audience in the street of the night market, or sometimes inside the tavern. 

Second, he is a man.

He knew that for them, that was indeed reason enough to cut his head off.

“We will see each other again, you have nothing to worry, I’m not going anywhere.” Heechul said firmly, still holding both of kyunghoon’s hands in his.

“I’m just afraid that my father will stay for a long time and we might not see each other again.” Kyunghoon whispered helplessly, his voice cracking once again.

Heechul took out a piece of cloth inside his pocket, usually, he used it to tie up his hair when performing, it was a new one, dark red colored but clean. “I promise we will, I will find a way. I always will.” He said while using the soft fabric, very gently, wiping off the tears strain from Kyunghoon's delicate face. “Nothing will come between us, not even death. My love for you is eternal.” 

“Promise?” Kyunghoon asked hopefully, while hastily wiped his tears from falling again.

“By the night sky and stars.” He swore. 

————————————————

“Heechul! Yah Kim Heechul!!” 

“Huh! What the hell!?” Heechul yelled back to the voice that just snapped him out of his dream world.

“You were crying and shaking, I thought you were having a nightmare so I tried to wake you up.” Leetuek said with a concerned look written all over his face. 

Heechul quickly rubbed his face and felt something wet dripping down his cheeks. “What? Really?” He mumbled, still in shock with what happned. He stood up from the sofa in annoyance and head towards the bathroom. 

With the lights on, in the mirror, he can clearly see the few remaining tears welled up in his eyes. Heechul turned the tap on, splashing a handful of water onto his burning face. When he had this kind of dream he always felt sick or caught a fever after he was woken up. It was not as bad as the first time where he felt like the world is spinning and threw up numerous times that day. 

He will never forget about that one time when the dream felt so real, where there was a lot of bloodshed with heavy rain. It was so cold. 

Heechul remembered he was holding on to the knife, buried deep in his lower abdomen. He was bleeding heavily, he opened his mouth to call out for someone's name but it was so hard because he was choking up the blood that poured out from his throat.

_“No!!!!”_

That voice. 

_“Stop it!!!! Please!!!!”_

That sweet voice, one that he has always longed for. Begging, pleading, brokenly to save his life.

Before his dream ended, he took a couple of steps back, as he turned to look what was behind him, he saw a merciless flowing stream of water. He knew right then, his life will end there. All alone into the raging river. 

But he was wrong. 

Heechul saw a familiar figure running toward his beaten and wounded body. He remembered, for some reason, it was his instinct told him to move further away and closer to the edge of the cliff. He cannot focused on the man who is still sprinting and reaching out for him because his vision was fixed on the head of a silver arrow, reflected brightly from the moonlight, pointed straight at him. He made up his mind, he had to, no, he must fall off the cliff before the man that he declared his love to countless times in his dreams will catch up to him. 

_“Don’t..”_

_“Heechul!!!!”_

That anguished cries that call out for him still shaken him up and sent a chill down his spine. 

He felt a warm hand trying to grab a hold on his cold dying one, pulling him in but because the tip of the arrow that heading right where he stood, Heechul tried desperately to make that hand lose a grip on his. But it was too late. 

The arrow went right through both bodies. 

He heard the pained gasp escaped from the lips of the body that pressed onto him.

_“Kyunghoon!!!!!”_

He remembered, screaming another man's name in agony, not because of the pain from the sharp and deadly arrow but because of the other, now bleeding body that is still holding on to him. It was not supposed to be like this, it was supposed to be only him.

_"No!!!!!!!!"_

A heart-wrenching scream echoed its way across the forest.

As both of their bodies slipped off from the edge, right into the ice-cold river. Neither of them let go of each other. 

“Kim Heechul!! How many times do you spaced out today, get a grip boy, aren’t you supposed to be preparing for the new show tomorrow?” Leeteuk shouted, catching the spaced-out man attention, then moving the back of his hand to feel Heechul’s forehead. “Normal, hm, I thought you might be sick or something.”

“Hyung, I’m fine, get your hand off my face.” Heechul whined. 

“Yah, I was just worried you ungrateful brat! Do you want me to tell your manager to call off tomorrow show?” 

“No no no, I said I’m fine, don’t worry hyung, seriously.”

Leeteuk shook his head and walk out from the bathroom, leaving Heechul alone in his thoughts. 

“If you change your mind, let me know!” A shout was heard from the living room. He didn’t answer back, but he knows that his friend already know that he heard it.

“Why is it keep coming, why now?” Heechul groaned as he taking off his clothes, he always sweated like crazy when he had these kinds of dreams. “Argh whatever, I have a new show tomorrow, I should just focus on that.” He murmured, his body shivered under the chilling water, but he could feel the heat in his body cooling down. 

"It's just a weird dream, you'll get over it." He said to himself even though he knew that deep down he never did.


	2. Breathing dreams

‘Today is the day, you will be okay, everything will be fine.’ Kyunghoon thought, he has been trying so hard to convince himself that things would go on smoothly for his new and only show as a regular member.  
  
“Thank you for doing this, Kyunghoon-nah” His manager stated with a hint of joy in his voice as he pulled into the JTBC’s building parking lot.

Kyunghoon just nodded his head and gave his manager a soft smile. He tried his best to appear calm, but on the inside, he was a nervous wreck. So many thoughts ran through his head, thoughts of mistakes that could happen on the show, thoughts of how will he be able to get along with other casts, considering how he didn’t take part in the workshop session and the first aired episode of the show. He was afraid he would be too quiet or ended up saying something embarrassing.

He has always been a shy guy and aware that his personality doesn’t match with the variety show, but because of his manager's endless pleads, he decided to give it a chance, one last chance, maybe just maybe, this time it will be different. He hoped.

“Did you have a good sleep last night?” His manager's voice shook him out of his thoughts, he looked out the window to find out the car has come to a complete stop.

“I guess.” He murmured as he looked down at his hands that were shaking slightly.

The truth was he barely get enough sleep last night because he had been having dreams of someone, the same dreams that had been plaguing his mind for the past six months. Those dreams have its scary moments and felt so real that it woke him up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat. Kyunghoon wouldn’t consider those dreams as nightmares. As dark as it could get, he was still looking forward to see a man who appears to be kind-hearted and with the most soulful eyes he had ever seen.

“Do your best today Kyunghoon-nah, I will be waiting nearby.”

“I will try, hyung.” With that he got off the passenger seat, head straight to the back entrance of the building with two securities welcoming, and leading him to the elevator, it was an area available only for the celebrities.

The first thing that hits him as he walks into the waiting room was to find out that it was actually empty, one of the staff who led him here told him to wait for others to arrive. The room itself was huge, with a coffee table and a dark blue sofa in the middle.

Kyunghoon went to sit on it while nervously adjusting the ends of his grey sweater that the staff made him to change into. He finds it a bit uncomfortable to wait around the room alone so he decided to head out for the restroom. As he got up from his seat and about to walk toward the door, someone on the other side swing the door open followed by the sounds of people laughing.

“Ah hyung! You are very early today.” Heechul teased Hodong while smiling brightly and earned a light shove as he greets everyone else walking behind him.

“Hold up, is there someone inside?” Janghoon asked and started walking toward the unfamiliar figure, standing still maybe slightly frozen a few feet away in the middle of the room. “Oh really?” Heechul said turning his head toward the newcomer.

He couldn’t really see who it was due to others who were right now enthusiastically greeting and surrounding the new guy. Heechul couldn’t help but let out a light chuckle, hyungs will always be hyungs, loud and overreacting, poor thing must be scared.

“Who is it? Let me say hi to him too!” As he started to move toward the group, suddenly he felt like a gust of wind hit him.

‘This overwhelming feeling.. It feels just like when I'm having those dreams.’ Heechul could feel the pounding in his chest, the fear, the adrenaline pouring through his body as goosebumps erupt throughout his skin. ‘Woah calm down body, not now, fuck not now.’ He thought.

“Kim Heechul! What are you doing standing there, hurry and come greet him already!” He looked up from his now sweaty palms and tried to answer Soogeun calling with his shaky voice.

“Y-Yeah I’m coming hyung, chill out.”

“Heechul-ah I know that you are his fan but I never knew you would be this shock to meet him in person, yah you are a celebrity yourself, get a grip.” He ignored Youngchul rambling as he felt a hand pulling on his arm that takes him to the man that was now had the same look as him on his face.

Heechul mouth went dry at the sight, his breath caught in his throat. “I-It’s nice to meet you in person, M-Min Kyunghoon sshi.”

He knew for a fact that at this point he was just stuttering, he couldn’t care less that he was not able to control his voice at all, because seeing Kyunghoon face up close, stir up something deep inside of him. He doesn't know what it was, even though this was the first time that they meet, but why does it feel like he misses him more than anything, like he been waiting for this for a thousand years. ‘I’m really going nuts.’

“It is nice to m-meet you too, Kim Heechul sshi.” Kyunghoon said, carefully offered his open hand to the other man who was approaching him slowly.

Heechul quickly grab on those hand with both of his, what surprised him was that the hand that he is holding was trembling very badly, even worse than him.

“Aeey, what are you two doing? Is this a drama? Is this a fanfic or something?”

Both of them hesitantly let go of each other hands as they heard Janghoon teasing.

“I’m just joking around, you guys don't have to quit whatever you are doing, yah Heechul, give your dongsaeng a hug, both of you will be working together from now on anyway.”

Usually, if people make Kyunghoon do stuff like this, he would be very uncomfortable, but this time, for some reason, he was once again looking forward to it. He just felt so happy meeting Kim Heechul, so happy that he wanted to cry. Call him a creep if you want, but he felt like he belongs in those arms, it might have felt like the embrace that he always dreams of every night.

Of course it was not the same embrace, Kim Heechul couldn’t be the same guy in his dreams, that would be ridiculous.

“Hah ha, that is hilarious hyung, stop making things awkward, you are making him feel uncomfortable you-”

“I’m not.” Once Kyunghoon realized how fast he responded, he quickly tried to make up some excuses, he doesn’t understand why he wasn’t being himself at all today.

“I-I mean, like Janghoon hyung said, w-we would be working together and I think-” Before he could finish whatever he was trying to say, he was interrupted by arms circled around his waist and a chin rested on his shoulder, a soft puff of air beside his ear.

One thing for sure was that Kyunghoon could feel his ears burning, terribly.

He threw his arms around Heechul neck and hugged him back. Surprising himself of how willingly he was in getting close contact, physically, with someone he just met a few minutes ago. “Why do I feel like I miss you so much, I don’t why I'm getting emotional, hyung.” Heechul couldn't believe what he just heard from the other man, he felt some sort of relief to know that he was not the only one who experience this kind of feeling.

“It’s okay Kyunghoon-nah, I understand how you feel.” He was trying to reassure Kyunghoon but at the same time, it was getting hard for him to control his own emotion as well. “You do?” He felt Kyunghoon squirm a bit, trying to get a look at his face.

Heechul quickly put his hand on Kyunghoon head to keep him still, ruffled his head softly. He wasn’t ready to face him up close, he was afraid that he might do something stupid if he stares at the younger man's eyes directly. “Yes, the longing feeling..”

“Hyung-”

“Not now, we will talk about it after we finish the show, okay?” Kyunghoon wanted to argue because he finally finds someone who was dealing with similar things as him. Heechul had know idea how glad he was to know that he wasn’t alone in this.

“I promised.” when those two words come out from his mouth, Kyunghoon instinctively nodded, he just felt that he heard it from somewhere, familiar voice and tone. “I trust you.”

“Look at Kyunghoons’ ears, his ears are beat red.” Sooguen pointed out, taking a bottle of water that he was holding and put it on one of the Kyunghoon’s ear, which made the whole room to erupt with laughter.

Heechul couldn’t help but continue to stare at him adoringly. “Can I touch it?”

“No!” This caused the whole room to laugh even louder.

“Why not? Kyunghoonie?”

Kyunghoon felt like his head was about to explode, not only how close Heechul face was to his but how cute Heechul sounded when calling his name like that. “It’s very sensitive..”

Heechul couldn’t help but release a chuckle and pat his head unconsciously with a fond smile on his face.

“Kyunghoonie? Yah, When did you guys drop the honorifics and become that close.” Jang Hoon snickered while zipping up his jacket.

“You guys! We are here to shoot a variety show, not a music video, gosh young people these days.” Hodong scowled as he sat up from the sofa, stuffing the last piece of dumpling into his mouth and led everyone out of the waiting room to the shooting scene. “Does he includes me as well?” Janghoon leaned down to whisper to the group which was following Hodong from behind.

“No, I’m not talking about you Janghoon, definitely not you.” Hodong shouted back, making everyone else laugh, except for Janghoon, of course. “Ah hyung, you are so annoying sometimes.”

“Don’t mind them, they always bicker non-stop.” Heechul said somewhat amused while looking at the younger man confused face. “Cute.”

“Yes?”

“Huh? Oh, no, nothing, can I touch your ears now?” Heechul prayed to god that kyunghoon didn’t make out what he just blurt out, otherwise the embarrassment would kill him off right then and there.

“I already told you no!” Kyunghoon said, shaking his head, covering both of his ears with his hands and walk ahead of him. ‘Thank god that was a close call’ Heechul thought as he began to quicken his step to catch up with the younger man. “Wait for me, Kyunghoon-nah!”

“No!” Kyunghoon shouted back as he tried to control his chuckles that were escaping his lips.

————————————————

_“If you don't stop touching my ears, hyung, I swear to the god, I will leave right now.” Heechul took his hands off his lovers’ soft heated ears._

_“You know when you are mad, you look just like a baby throwing tantrum.” He knew that Kyunghoon was probably started to get real irritated by his constant teasing but seeing his younger lover pouted was such an adorable sight for him, he never had enough of it._

_“I hate you.” Kyunghoon was able to break free from his hold and got up from the green grass. “No you don’t, where are you going?”_

_Heechul started pushed himself to his feet when he saw his lover lips curling up into a cute mischievous smile that he couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. “I’m going home, hyung.” Kyunghoon said as he began to run towards the tall field of grass._

_“Wait! Your home is not that way! Tell me where you are going!” He called out while sprinting toward the direction of his younger lover who already disappear into the field._

_“No! Come find me hyung!” Although the grass is getting thicker but he could still hear his lover sweat giggles ahead of him._

_Heechul stopped at dead track when he suddenly lose sight of his lover. “Kyunghoon-nah!?”_

_He let out a big sigh of relief when he senses a movement behind him, as he looked over his shoulder, he saw a white cloth peaked through the tiny gaps between the grasses. “Heechul hyung?” Now it was Kyunghoon turn to call out for his lover name because when he turned around, he didn’t see Heechul following behind him anymore. Kyunghoon started to felt panic creep upon his chest._

_“I found you.” Heechul wasted no time and pull Kyunghoon body from behind into his chest when he saw a flicker of fear started to appear on the younger man’s face. He could feel his lover's back tensed up at first, but after he heard his voice, the body then melts into his._

_“And this is for running away from me!” Heechul said as he keeps planted kisses on Kyunghoon neck and ears, ignoring his lover pleases, a chorus of laughter from both of them broke out across the quiet field._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy~ :)


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